She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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