Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
