I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
