I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
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