I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
