Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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