My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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