we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
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