i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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