so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
