On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
He did a backflip because drugs
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
