Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
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