My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Randomize
