you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
