You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
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