By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
When did we convert life to cartoon?
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
