I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
