There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
