Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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