Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
