we have pet lesbian snakes
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize