i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
