I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I looked at my own cervix.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
