woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
