glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize