New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Randomize
