Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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