OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
I cut my penus on the lid.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Randomize
