I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
