I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
