You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize