you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
