Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
