I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
