that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
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