Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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