Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
