I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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