i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
