We named our party play list daddy issues
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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