his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
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