You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
