I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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