His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
