alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Randomize
