i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
