Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
