Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize