The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
BRING THE BAGELS
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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