So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
