you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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