The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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