I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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