I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Randomize
