Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
