I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
