I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
