I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
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