She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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